Limericks from 2004

My teacher is ugly and fat with small pointed teeth like a rat, and sometimes I think I see blood, and not ink. I suspect he's a vampire or bat. I once had a stripey balloon that was hairy and big as the moon. It would bite me and try to escape to the sky. I suspect that it was a racoon. "This road is so tasty today" said the giant with big mouthfulls of clay. And he chewed all the while with a grey slimy smile but his horse had to make do with hay. The tweeniest twinciest ant was outside on the branch of a plant. He would sometimes run down to the ground (it was brown), but more often would sit still and chant. The baker began baking bread. The dough though was heavy as lead, and the bread went like glue and soon everyone knew that the maker had made mess instead. The five fattest fairies possessed a fine food that was fun to digest. "We only eat roses, our superior noses allow us to choose all the best." I suspected Mad Martin at once; he wrote menacing memos for months, he used crayon and pad, and the grammar was bad so the killer was clearly a dunce. In the night, in the crisp of the snow shone a moonbeam in silvery glow, and the shine that it shone was first there and then gone. Where it is now I simply don't know. There were many white dots on the hill in the distance, all perfectly still. They were tiny white sheep, with their lambs all asleep cuddled up to stay out of the chill. A hamster was lying around on a cheap purple plastic surround, and he thought of the sky and the reasons for why it was up there and not on the ground. On a tree in a leafy lagoon lives a hair covered stinky baboon, and he swings (as he might) for two miles every night. I expect he'll arrive here quite soon. In the jungle lived juddering Jill who would worry and often felt ill, so she went to the town and met up with a clown, and she laughed until happy and still. In a house near a marsh in the fog lived a very small girl and big dog, and she called the dog Paul, he smelt hardly at all until one day he jumped in a bog. In the old west a cowboy named Pete used to spit and fight stamping his feet, then one hot day in June he was shot dead at noon in the dust and the sand of the street. And there Pete lay, his hand on his gun. He was dead at the height of the sun, and no passer-by cried when they heard Pete had died, all they knew was the other guy won. On the island of Gubberty Gee was a miniature bush and a bee, but the bee was afraid of high heights so he laid on the bush all day long sipping tea. In the jungles of darkest Peru lived a big hairy woman called Sue She played marbles bones and played marbles with stones and there wasn't much else there to do. In my house an invisible bear can't be seen but I know he is there. When the lights are all out I hear walking about and I smell fishy food in the air. On the moon lives a mouse who is blue in a metal house shiny and new. She plays tennis and chess but does not make a mess because litter would mess up the view. On the banks of the river Kaloot lived a frog and a slippery newt, and the frog danced all day (so the local folks say) to a tune the newt blew on a flute. Mister Marby was mean would not share, even barbers would hand back his hair, but the rubbish he stacked wasn't cleverly packed and it toppled and squashed him right there. In the mist covered mountains of meath lived a monsterous creature called Keith and his food he would crunch (he ate children for lunch) but he always took care of his teeth. Captain Patch was a pirate and thief who possessed a foul mouth full of teeth. With an ugly black shirt he wore trousers of dirt, but he had pretty knickers beneath. A scarecrow was thinking one day how the clouds in the sky stay that way. "If the clouds are just mist, then how could they exist when the sun makes the mist go away?" Canute was a king who was brave. He commanded the sea like a slave. "Go away." said the king but the tide came on in and the king had to run from a wave. I'm a twin so when I am about you might see me but never find out if it's me or it's not, or it's me that you've got if you catch me so ask if in doubt. In the cold sandy deserts of Mars, far away from the noise of the cars, lived a puddle of slime who spent all of its time looking up at the millions of stars. I say sir is this sister yours; the one with the big ears and jaws? If it is then please say that she must go away. She is blatantly breaking my laws. In the greeny Venusian skies it is so hot that everything dies, and the acid that falls comes in big burning balls of a really astonishing size. The rocky expanse of the moon is as dusty and dead as a tomb, and the grey flaky floor makes a tiny mess more so prevent it from reaching the room. I am Saturn, I'm big and have rings, and I'm full of hot air and such things. I'm a planet by day but at night you might say I'm a star that guides thinkers and kings. On the floor of the Gumblegum sea lives a sponge with a liking for tea It's a shame for the sponge that he won't take the plunge and try water because that is free. In the shade of a tree near the Nile stood a red kangeroo with a smile. He'd escaped from the zoo, for we all know it's true, around there kangaroos are not wild. In the zoo is a tiger called Mary who is orange and ever so hairy, and for something to drink she likes milk and I think that they buy it in bulk from the dairy. On the edge of the marshes of Mong lives a slimy old toad with a tongue He is green and called Bill and it makes me feel ill when I see that it's purple and long. If a woodpecker would peck some wood would he peck people too if he could? If my left leg got pecked I'd be sad I expect so I hope peckers peck what they should. In the south lives a penguin called Rose with a perfectly beautiful nose, and at night in the dark all the locals remark on the fact that it's orange and glows. At the height of the summer in Spain the sun burns up the dusty terrain so the people on lands blow it cool with their fans but their actions are often in vain. In the caves near the river of tears lives a troll who has been there for years with a cat he calls Snuff and a small ball of fluff that he uses to clean out his ears. It's a fact that is hard to deny that a small furry mouse cannot fly. He can jump if he must and then fall in the dust but it's better to jump than not try. Mister Jones was a judge at the court who drank gallons and gallons of port, and although he had tried not to drink it outside he still did it (until he was caught). A green monkey called Minky and Medge ran around on a sixty foot hedge they had fun for a time until Minky hit slime and he slipped and fell over the edge. On the top of a poplar lived Ron He was thin as the twig he lived on, and one day after tea he fell out of the tree, but nobody noticed him gone. In the dark smelly depths of a cave dwelt a hermit who called himself Dave He was lonely and sad so he put out an ad but to answer you'd have to be brave. "It is true that the world is a ball." said Sir Issac engaged in a fall "As I fly through the air the inverse of the square is the force it exerts on my all." On the last day of June I recall I was walking round Carneghie Hall and I saw no-one there but a baker and bear and the bear was incredibly tall. In a hotel in old Bucharest lived a really incredible guest, with six bells in a sack he played Mozart and Bach, all the neighbours were very impressed. "I am Captain Banana!" he said as he pointed the fruit at my head but I wasn't amused at the crudeness he used and refused to pretend to be dead. Over decades Mark lived like a monk until one day he found granny's trunk in the bottom therein was a bottle of gin and he's spent every day since then drunk. In the loneliest part of a moor lived a priest who was ever so pure, until later that year came a nun and some beer, now he plays lead guitar for The Cure. I knew grandma was greedy and drank and that she kept her cakes in the bank, but I didn't expect the old girl to protect her mince pies with a minefield and tank. My uncle is bald and wears wigs he dances at rock music gigs, on Tuesdays he stops he goes to the shops and takes off his toupee and jigs. In a pool hall, Sao Paulo, Brazil, was a player of paragon skill. He could bounce every ball off the ceiling and wall with a blindfold, one arm, and a drill. The story of Soloman Gore is so sad (and I've heard it before). He did not wash his ears and so over the years they had children and now he has four. In a fine fancy café in France they deliver the donuts by dance, but the waiters are slow and don't know where to go so the cakes come to clients by chance. "I was banging the drum I had bought," said the doctor in dock in the court "I could tell he was there from the echoes of air even though I am blind and quite short." Auntie Abbey is getting confused It all started while watching the news She said "I am the queen!" "Look! I'm there on the screen!" we smiled back but we were not amused. Uncle Boris is stern and plays chess his opponents claim he is the best, and on weekdays he tries to wear velvet bow ties, but on weekends he wears a pink dress. Emma often plays tennis with guys and to do it she wears a disguise, and she laughs when she wins points her finger and grins but if loses she cries and she cries. Cousin Peter is strange in the head and he started to suck tea with bread, but in only five days he had mended his ways and decided on coffee instead. Fancy Freda likes fishing and cake, she one day while out fishing for hake saw a cream cake afloat, she leaned out of the boat and a fish pulled her into the lake. Auntie Trudy was tidy and neat, and she wrote "L" and "R" on her feet, and when aged, she dies there'll be cries of surprise when they spy what's enscribed on her seat. Uncle Otto was cutting his hair he has one, but of it he takes care, he combs daily at nine using gel all the time to ensure that it points in the air. Silly Susan would always make noise talking louder than all of the boys, but on one day in class with a croak and a gasp she just stopped, having used up her voise. Well I always believed he was bad, ever since I saw Simon so sad, for he stole Simon's toys and played cars with the boys. I am almost ashamed he's my dad. Cousin Corby is nervy and thin, with a puff of red hair on his chin, and he thinks of the day and the place far away with the pond, and the time he fell in. In the eastern expanse of Japan lives a crazy but talented man who can balance a gong while he's speeding along singing songs on the top of a van. Uncle Elvis took ludo to heart, he could make every game look like art. When he died we had fun when the priest threw a one, and the coffin went back to the start. Miss Partridge is proper and straight but she always ensures she is late, "Upon meeting a guest" she will say on request "it is only polite that they wait." My mother is normally cool but there are times I feel like a fool like the time that she wore a bikini, no more, and then took me like that into school. Peter Jones likes to play at first aid even though he's a plumber by trade, and his very best mend was a leg with a bend that he fixed with a pipe and a spade. In the titanic gaze of the sun is a spaceship called Mercury One, and its captain won't chat, he is boring and fat, in fact none of the crew are much fun. Bunny Been was a writer and cook, and she left all her letters to luck. She would fill up a scoop with some alphabet soup and then pour on the page of a book. I have been to the hospital twice, and a nurse came to me in a trice and she poked my below and it felt funny so I know nurses are naughty not nice. My mother likes reading her books and she folds what she finds when she looks but she often makes holes in the pages she folds, for she hasn't got hands, only hooks. He wore pink and he laughed at his foes with his hands on the hips of his hoes, and he liked to look rough and feel rugged and tough, but in private he painted his toes. In the shiniest cruiser in space there was metal all over the place. There was steel on the chairs on the doors and the stairs, but the curtains were cotton and lace. My brother has wheels and a chair and we push him around everywhere and if we should race I come second in place. He's a car (that's a little unfair). Young Twimsy Twilmoo could not wait so she ate all her cakes when half baked, but she still wanted more, ate a giant cake raw and dropped dead (and so ended up late). The queen was inspecting again, counting mountains of military men, "they are really quite nice but, a bit of advice, why not make them wear clothes now and then?" Cousin Patsy liked playing with fire, and to burn was her greatest desire, but her exploits went wrong when she tried to light song and exploded one day in the choir. I knew Timmy ate lightbulbs for tea, he was happy as any could be, yes his life was alright, until one Christmas night when they had to use Tim for the tree. At the end of a long mountain climb lives a dirty old man full of grime, and he shouts and he curses but what makes it far worse is his verses are terse and don't rhyhme. Little Ruby Raboo was delighted to eat matches before they were lighted. And she seemed quite alright until one winter's night when she stood near the fire and ignited. In the pit of the blackest black hole lives slimy and smelly old soul, with a frown on his face, for it's true, it's not space but the heart of a toilet and bowl. "I'm amazed at these layers of maze." said the tourist just teeming with praise. With a smile on his face he said "I love this place, even though I've been lost here for days." Anil is allergic to sweets, he gets money instead of nice treats. I suspect it's a trick, his mum is rather thick and he turns out the light when he eats. I'm as brave as a lion in fights, and I never resort to the lights when I have a bad dream I think that is extreme, but am I scared of spiders and heights. He was looking for comets for months and he used his computers for hunts, but at midnight (about) all the power ran out and he missed two that both came at once. I once knew a sailor from Dover who fell and rolled over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.