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Limericks
From 2004
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My teacher is ugly and fat
with small pointed teeth like a rat,
and sometimes I think
I see blood, and not ink.
I suspect he's a vampire or bat.

I once had a stripey balloon
that was hairy and big as the moon.
It would bite me and try
to escape to the sky.
I suspect that it was a racoon.

"This road is so tasty today"
said the giant with big mouthfulls of clay.
And he chewed all the while
with a grey slimy smile
but his horse had to make do with hay.

The tweeniest twinciest ant
was outside on the branch of a plant.
He would sometimes run down
to the ground (it was brown),
but more often would sit still and chant.

The baker began baking bread.
The dough though was heavy as lead,
and the bread went like glue
and soon everyone knew
that the maker had made mess instead.

The five fattest fairies possessed
a fine food that was fun to digest.
"We only eat roses,
our superior noses
allow us to choose all the best."

I suspected Mad Martin at once;
he wrote menacing memos for months,
he used crayon and pad,
and the grammar was bad
so the killer was clearly a dunce.

In the night, in the crisp of the snow
shone a moonbeam in silvery glow,
and the shine that it shone
was first there and then gone.
Where it is now I simply don't know.

There were many white dots on the hill
in the distance, all perfectly still.
They were tiny white sheep,
with their lambs all asleep
cuddled up to stay out of the chill.

A hamster was lying around
on a cheap purple plastic surround,
and he thought of the sky
and the reasons for why
it was up there and not on the ground.

On a tree in a leafy lagoon
lives a hair covered stinky baboon,
and he swings (as he might)
for two miles every night.
I expect he'll arrive here quite soon.

In the jungle lived juddering Jill
who would worry and often felt ill,
so she went to the town
and met up with a clown,
and she laughed until happy and still.

In a house near a marsh in the fog
lived a very small girl and big dog,
and she called the dog Paul,
he smelt hardly at all
until one day he jumped in a bog.

In the old west a cowboy named Pete
used to spit and fight stamping his feet,
then one hot day in June
he was shot dead at noon
in the dust and the sand of the street.
And there Pete lay, his hand on his gun.
He was dead at the height of the sun,
and no passer-by cried
when they heard Pete had died,
all they knew was the other guy won.

On the island of Gubberty Gee
was a miniature bush and a bee,
but the bee was afraid
of high heights so he laid
on the bush all day long sipping tea.

In the jungles of darkest Peru
lived a big hairy woman called Sue
She played marbles bones
and played marbles with stones
and there wasn't much else there to do.

In my house an invisible bear
can't be seen but I know he is there.
When the lights are all out
I hear walking about
and I smell fishy food in the air.

On the moon lives a mouse who is blue
in a metal house shiny and new.
She plays tennis and chess
but does not make a mess
because litter would mess up the view.

On the banks of the river Kaloot
lived a frog and a slippery newt,
and the frog danced all day
(so the local folks say)
to a tune the newt blew on a flute.

Mister Marby was mean would not share,
even barbers would hand back his hair,
but the rubbish he stacked
wasn't cleverly packed
and it toppled and squashed him right there.

In the mist covered mountains of meath
lived a monsterous creature called Keith
and his food he would crunch
(he ate children for lunch)
but he always took care of his teeth.

Captain Patch was a pirate and thief
who possessed a foul mouth full of teeth.
With an ugly black shirt
he wore trousers of dirt,
but he had pretty knickers beneath.

A scarecrow was thinking one day
how the clouds in the sky stay that way.
"If the clouds are just mist,
then how could they exist
when the sun makes the mist go away?"

Canute was a king who was brave.
He commanded the sea like a slave.
"Go away." said the king
but the tide came on in
and the king had to run from a wave.

I'm a twin so when I am about
you might see me but never find out
if it's me or it's not,
or it's me that you've got
if you catch me so ask if in doubt.

In the cold sandy deserts of Mars,
far away from the noise of the cars,
lived a puddle of slime
who spent all of its time
looking up at the millions of stars.

I say sir is this sister yours;
the one with the big ears and jaws?
If it is then please say
that she must go away.
She is blatantly breaking my laws.

In the greeny Venusian skies
it is so hot that everything dies,
and the acid that falls
comes in big burning balls
of a really astonishing size.

The rocky expanse of the moon
is as dusty and dead as a tomb,
and the grey flaky floor
makes a tiny mess more
so prevent it from reaching the room.

I am Saturn, I'm big and have rings,
and I'm full of hot air and such things.
I'm a planet by day
but at night you might say
I'm a star that guides thinkers and kings.

On the floor of the Gumblegum sea
lives a sponge with a liking for tea
It's a shame for the sponge
that he won't take the plunge
and try water because that is free.

In the shade of a tree near the Nile
stood a red kangeroo with a smile.
He'd escaped from the zoo,
for we all know it's true,
around there kangaroos are not wild.

In the zoo is a tiger called Mary
who is orange and ever so hairy,
and for something to drink
she likes milk and I think
that they buy it in bulk from the dairy.

On the edge of the marshes of Mong
lives a slimy old toad with a tongue
He is green and called Bill
and it makes me feel ill
when I see that it's purple and long.

If a woodpecker would peck some wood
would he peck people too if he could?
If my left leg got pecked
I'd be sad I expect
so I hope peckers peck what they should.

In the south lives a penguin called Rose
with a perfectly beautiful nose,
and at night in the dark
all the locals remark
on the fact that it's orange and glows.

At the height of the summer in Spain
the sun burns up the dusty terrain
so the people on lands
blow it cool with their fans
but their actions are often in vain.

In the caves near the river of tears
lives a troll who has been there for years
with a cat he calls Snuff
and a small ball of fluff
that he uses to clean out his ears.

It's a fact that is hard to deny
that a small furry mouse cannot fly.
He can jump if he must
and then fall in the dust
but it's better to jump than not try.

Mister Jones was a judge at the court
who drank gallons and gallons of port,
and although he had tried
not to drink it outside
he still did it (until he was caught).

A green monkey called Minky and Medge
ran around on a sixty foot hedge
they had fun for a time
until Minky hit slime
and he slipped and fell over the edge.

On the top of a poplar lived Ron
He was thin as the twig he lived on,
and one day after tea
he fell out of the tree,
but nobody noticed him gone.

In the dark smelly depths of a cave
dwelt a hermit who called himself Dave
He was lonely and sad
so he put out an ad
but to answer you'd have to be brave.

"It is true that the world is a ball."
said Sir Issac engaged in a fall
"As I fly through the air
the inverse of the square
is the force it exerts on my all."

On the last day of June I recall
I was walking round Carneghie Hall
and I saw no-one there
but a baker and bear
and the bear was incredibly tall.

In a hotel in old Bucharest
lived a really incredible guest,
with six bells in a sack
he played Mozart and Bach,
all the neighbours were very impressed.

"I am Captain Banana!" he said
as he pointed the fruit at my head
but I wasn't amused
at the crudeness he used
and refused to pretend to be dead.

Over decades Mark lived like a monk
until one day he found granny's trunk
in the bottom therein
was a bottle of gin
and he's spent every day since then drunk.

In the loneliest part of a moor
lived a priest who was ever so pure,
until later that year
came a nun and some beer,
now he plays lead guitar for The Cure.

I knew grandma was greedy and drank
and that she kept her cakes in the bank,
but I didn't expect
the old girl to protect
her mince pies with a minefield and tank.

My uncle is bald and wears wigs
he dances at rock music gigs,
on Tuesdays he stops
he goes to the shops
and takes off his toupee and jigs.

In a pool hall, Sao Paulo, Brazil,
was a player of paragon skill.
He could bounce every ball
off the ceiling and wall
with a blindfold, one arm, and a drill.

The story of Soloman Gore
is so sad (and I've heard it before).
He did not wash his ears
and so over the years
they had children and now he has four.

In a fine fancy café in France
they deliver the donuts by dance,
but the waiters are slow
and don't know where to go
so the cakes come to clients by chance.

"I was banging the drum I had bought,"
said the doctor in dock in the court
"I could tell he was there
from the echoes of air
even though I am blind and quite short."

Auntie Abbey is getting confused
It all started while watching the news
She said "I am the queen!"
"Look! I'm there on the screen!"
we smiled back but we were not amused.

Uncle Boris is stern and plays chess
his opponents claim he is the best,
and on weekdays he tries
to wear velvet bow ties,
but on weekends he wears a pink dress.

Emma often plays tennis with guys
and to do it she wears a disguise,
and she laughs when she wins
points her finger and grins
but if loses she cries and she cries.

Cousin Peter is strange in the head
and he started to suck tea with bread,
but in only five days
he had mended his ways
and decided on coffee instead.

Fancy Freda likes fishing and cake,
she one day while out fishing for hake
saw a cream cake afloat,
she leaned out of the boat
and a fish pulled her into the lake.

Auntie Trudy was tidy and neat,
and she wrote "L" and "R" on her feet,
and when aged, she dies
there'll be cries of surprise
when they spy what's enscribed on her seat.

Uncle Otto was cutting his hair
he has one, but of it he takes care,
he combs daily at nine
using gel all the time
to ensure that it points in the air.

Silly Susan would always make noise
talking louder than all of the boys,
but on one day in class
with a croak and a gasp
she just stopped, having used up her voise.

Well I always believed he was bad,
ever since I saw Simon so sad,
for he stole Simon's toys
and played cars with the boys.
I am almost ashamed he's my dad.

Cousin Corby is nervy and thin,
with a puff of red hair on his chin,
and he thinks of the day
and the place far away
with the pond, and the time he fell in.

In the eastern expanse of Japan
lives a crazy but talented man
who can balance a gong
while he's speeding along
singing songs on the top of a van.

Uncle Elvis took ludo to heart,
he could make every game look like art.
When he died we had fun
when the priest threw a one,
and the coffin went back to the start.

Miss Partridge is proper and straight
but she always ensures she is late,
"Upon meeting a guest"
she will say on request
"it is only polite that they wait."

My mother is normally cool
but there are times I feel like a fool
like the time that she wore
a bikini, no more,
and then took me like that into school.

Peter Jones likes to play at first aid
even though he's a plumber by trade,
and his very best mend
was a leg with a bend
that he fixed with a pipe and a spade.

In the titanic gaze of the sun
is a spaceship called Mercury One,
and its captain won't chat,
he is boring and fat,
in fact none of the crew are much fun.

Bunny Been was a writer and cook,
and she left all her letters to luck.
She would fill up a scoop
with some alphabet soup
and then pour on the page of a book.

I have been to the hospital twice,
and a nurse came to me in a trice
and she poked my below
and it felt funny so
I know nurses are naughty not nice.

My mother likes reading her books
and she folds what she finds when she looks
but she often makes holes
in the pages she folds,
for she hasn't got hands, only hooks.

He wore pink and he laughed at his foes
with his hands on the hips of his hoes,
and he liked to look rough
and feel rugged and tough,
but in private he painted his toes.

In the shiniest cruiser in space
there was metal all over the place.
There was steel on the chairs
on the doors and the stairs,
but the curtains were cotton and lace.

My brother has wheels and a chair
and we push him around everywhere
and if we should race
I come second in place.
He's a car (that's a little unfair).

Young Twimsy Twilmoo could not wait
so she ate all her cakes when half baked,
but she still wanted more,
ate a giant cake raw
and dropped dead (and so ended up late).

The queen was inspecting again,
counting mountains of military men,
"they are really quite nice
but, a bit of advice,
why not make them wear clothes now and then?"

Cousin Patsy liked playing with fire,
and to burn was her greatest desire,
but her exploits went wrong
when she tried to light song
and exploded one day in the choir.

I knew Timmy ate lightbulbs for tea,
he was happy as any could be,
yes his life was alright,
until one Christmas night
when they had to use Tim for the tree.

At the end of a long mountain climb
lives a dirty old man full of grime,
and he shouts and he curses
but what makes it far worse is
his verses are terse and don't rhyhme.

Little Ruby Raboo was delighted
to eat matches before they were lighted.
And she seemed quite alright
until one winter's night
when she stood near the fire and ignited.

In the pit of the blackest black hole
lives slimy and smelly old soul,
with a frown on his face,
for it's true, it's not space
but the heart of a toilet and bowl.

"I'm amazed at these layers of maze."
said the tourist just teeming with praise.
With a smile on his face
he said "I love this place,
even though I've been lost here for days."

Anil is allergic to sweets,
he gets money instead of nice treats.
I suspect it's a trick,
his mum is rather thick
and he turns out the light when he eats.

I'm as brave as a lion in fights,
and I never resort to the lights
when I have a bad dream
I think that is extreme,
but am I scared of spiders and heights.

He was looking for comets for months
and he used his computers for hunts,
but at midnight (about)
all the power ran out
and he missed two that both came at once.

I once knew a sailor from Dover
who fell and rolled over and over
and over and over
and over and over
and over and over and over.